Kris: Ask me a question.
Ali: What kind of question?
Kris: anything you want to know about me.
Ali: Okay, When are we getting married?
Kris: June 3rd, 2020
Ali: so long away? Awe, okay, I can wait..
Kris: its only so far away because i need to gt my fill of man sex and my man vibrator during college years
Ali: awe, you can still have man sex after we're married, as long as I can watch
Kris: I'm self consious when it comes to my man sex
Ali: it's okay, you'll get better
Kris: so why do you like man sex?
Ali: Hey, I'm the one asking questions, not you!
Kris: ask me another question
Ali: do i get sex on our honeymoon?
Kris: only once
Ali: do I get sex after our honeymoon?
Kris: No..well, okay, maybe once a month.
Ali: can i sex other people while we're not being intimate?
Kris: Yes
Ali: can i hide video cams and video tape us, for our own pornos?
Kris: I guess... and you can film my mansex and we'll open our own porn site
Ali: would you divorce me if your man fling told you to?
Kris: No
Ali: would you divorce me if you found stashes of child porn?
Kris: yes. and I would prolly turn you in
Ali: what if they were puppet children?
Kris: no, that's not real child porn, no matter how badly they was to be 'real boys'
Ali: what if one of my puppet children wanted to sex you?
Kris: i would not allow it
Ali: even if he were well hung?
Kris: i would concider it, as long as I didn't get splinters..wait, would that make me a child molester, even though they aren't real?
Ali: a puppet child molester, maybe?
Kris: is that a crime?
Ali: i dont think so...
Kris: Maybe in the year 2020 it will be...
Ali: if i was extra nice (or naughty, depending on your preferences) one month, do I get an extra sex?
Kris: only for christmas and your birthday
Ali: Would you allow me to name our son "Eric Shun"?"
Kris: yes, but only if I could name our daughter "Lisa Va Gina"
Ali: if our kid had cancer and his dying wish was for us to have sex for 3 hours straight in one night, would you?
Kris: I wouldn't have a choice..
Ali: would you enjoy it?
Kris: probably not
Ali: would you enjoy any of our intimacies?
Kris: probably not
Ali: would you fake a headache to get out of it?
Kris: prolly
Ali: do I get a raincheck for any canceled nights?
Kris: depends on my mood
Ali: how would we have kids if you don't enjoy the sex?
Kris: you don't have to enjoy it to have kids
Ali: you have to enjoy it enough to cum!
Kris: true, I'd probably just try really hard to think about man sex
Ali: would we share a bed?
Kris: yes, but you can't molest me in the middle of the night
Ali: does it count as molesting if I'm sleep fucking?
Kris: yes, because I'm a light sleeper and would wake you if you start to play with my deformity
Ali: -giggles-
Kris: you better be saving this conversation. I plan to use it as a contract for when we're married.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
LOL!!!!
These 12 are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
KEEP GOING-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These 16 were taken off actual police car videos around the country: [these are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!]
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.........Sign here.' [ouch!]
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
KEEP GOING-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These 16 were taken off actual police car videos around the country: [these are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!]
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.........Sign here.' [ouch!]
LOL!!!!
These 12 are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
KEEP GOING-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These 16 were taken off actual police car videos around the country: [these are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!]
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.........Sign here.' [ouch!]
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
KEEP GOING-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These 16 were taken off actual police car videos around the country: [these are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!]
16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'
10. 'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1. 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.........Sign here.' [ouch!]
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